we grew up and i love you

“All these years I’ve only been watching my older cousins play, this time she asked me to be part of it. I can only say to myself, ‘oh we are growing up,’ I just didn’t think this day would come.”

It feels weird to be part of that engagement party game, you know, when the future groom guessed if the one behind closed door is his future bride? That game.

When one of the staffs quietly escorted my sister and me to your room — and explained how the game will go I just sat there taking my sweet time to let everything sink in.

Used to I would always attend these kind of events for the sake of formality and good manners. I would sit down on the assigned seat and my mind will take me away from the boring ceremonies. The same vows and declaration of love, I’ve seen it many times. But, this time I have no means to escape. I’m eighteen years old and I’m old enough to play.

I saw you sitting down on that white chair, fake golden paint that was flaking on the armchair, fidgeting with your fingers. You got your nails done? That’s new. I’ve never seen you being so fidgety before, it disturbed me.

Multiple times you took my hand, your fingers were cold. It was the first time I comforted you, “Everything will be okay, you’ll be just fine,” I said with a content smile. I couldn’t recognize you. This is not the cousin that I grew up with.

You used to be more reckless and loud. You used to show me funny videos that you find on Instagram, new make up products that were the latest trend.

I know I was not part of your group (it was her, my sister, and my other cousin) but you’d always include me — whenever I’m alone at my house, you’d let me knock on your wooden door and gave me sweets, sometimes even let me watch your old k-dramas.

I’m not a kid anymore, and you’re certainly not getting younger. But there are other paths that are set for you, no? Other than this. Other than marriage. No matter how cliche it sounded, we can be rich and travel the world together instead. You know, instead of this. What do you mean you’re moving on with your life? What do you mean you’re going to commit yourself to one person,

he seems boring.

When my mother broke the news I felt a part of me descending to this state of… emptiness. I guess at the time I was in huge denial. I expected you to tell me the news yourself, there was a slight feeling of betrayal there.

Create a family of your own? What about us? The family that we have now, isn’t it enough?

The game was just as I expected, dull but fun I suppose, after all it was my first time playing. That was also the first time my sister and I walked you to that chair. Rubbing the back of your hand gently, softly. I made sure it will linger even if it’s just a few seconds.

A few seconds before you sat on the chair where you’d accept him, him as your future husband.

I couldn’t play with my phone during those last minutes. I wanted to doom scroll and act like it was not big of a deal, but I couldn’t even leave my eyes on you and your fiancé. You changed and grew up. That’s fine, I changed too. Perhaps I was just not ready for that change.

Amen, and I prayed to God for the first time after months of not doing so.

Oh yeah, you don’t know but I’m not the one who prays anymore. But, I hope you every great things in the world, please be happy, and I hope he is the one for you. I love you.